Everybody changed.
I changed.
She changed.
He changed.
They changed.
So,
That’s your problem if
you’re not.
9/16/2014
4/24/2014
To accept and to be accepted.
Everyday, we always make mistakes. And so do I.
I remember, one-day I’ve made a mistake that couldn’t
explain to any people. I blamed someone for this mistake. I hated him so much.
The day after that, I felt like my chest was full, hard to
breath, and I was going to hate myself too. Everything just wrapped around in
my mouth. So I called my friend and met her in the park. Why park? Because I
just needed to be accompanied at the place that no one had an authority of
that, so nothings could judge me or told me to do something. I just needed to
throw all the things on my chest.
She wasn’t say something, or asked me something. She knew me
at all. She sat next to me and invited me to do what I want. And then I was
crying, but not really hard. I was crying for him, for hated him. For 10
minutes I cried, I felt comfort. I didn’t hate him anymore. Yes, I couldn’t
hate someone for a long time.
And the next 20 minutes, I was crying hard, so hard, maybe
the hardest that I’ve already had. I hated myself. I couldn’t apologize myself.
I couldn’t give an excused for myself.
Day after day, I always ignore him. And for every call that
he did for trying to have a good relation with me just made me felt guilty. I
didn’t want to hate myself again, not again caused by him.
And today, he comes again. Asking me ‘How are you?’. And I reply with ‘Nice :)’, yes I’ve accept myself. And it’s really surprising me
that I reply it with smile emoticon. Yes I did it!
I just need 3 days for accept someone mistake, but it needs
2 years for my mistake to be accepted by myself. It shows me that it’s harder
to accept that you are wrong, than to give someone apologize and accept they
mistake. And today, My ‘Human Ego’ loses :)
4/15/2014
Yes, you’re not.
Some people think that you are always happy. The fact is,
you are not.
They saw you smiled. They saw you laughed. They saw you made
jokes. But they didn’t look you burst out crying that night. Some sadness hit
you from somewhere deep inside, and the tears swiftly came to your check.
You really wanted to tell them that you were not in the good
situation. But it was absofuckinglutely hard. You couldn’t clearly tell them
what were you felt. It simply because they always saw you as a whole package of
happiness. You’ve treated yourself to be happy in front of every people, and in
the mean time, it beat you.
You still don’t know why you cried a
good crying that night. Maybe you just felt really vulnerable because you’ve
opened up yourself so much to someone. Maybe, you were afraid. But it was good
to get hurt that way. Because when it hit you that hard, something snapped
inside of you. You realized that you love yourself enough to not let people
treat you badly. You told yourself to be careful next time.
People never mean what they say. They
teach you that lesson. For every single words they said, you could never
believe it at all. Suddenly, you missed the old of you, the girl who had an
over-aware feeling. But you didn’t know well how to be her, or how to be back
to the old of you. You were going to be dumb. You were going to be blind.
“I
love what we have. And I will want to have it as long as possible. But at the
same time, I need to protect my heart, too. I only need to know whether this
will go further than a summer fling; or not. That’s all. That way, I can
prepare my heart, so I won’t hurt myself again.”
I’m not asking you to do something. I
just need to manage my expectation.
3/25/2014
belum apa-apa
Kamu pikir kamu sudah dewasa.
Kamu pikir kamu sudah jauh berjalan.
Kamu pikir kamu kokoh.
Tapi kemarin diterpa angin, kamu jatuh.
Lalu diguyur air, dan kamu sakit.
Sekarang kamu diserang caci, dan kamu marah.
Kemarahanmu adalah kelemahanmu.
Kemarahanmu adalah celahmu.
Kamu lemah.
Kamu sempit.
Kamu masih disini.
Sampai sini kamu sadar,
Saat kau terpuruk, ada sisi lain yg terlihat,
Ini bukan selalu tentang sesuatu yang buruk adalah penyebabnya,
tapi tentang kamu yang ternyata tidak setangguh pikiranmu.
Kamu belum menjadi apa-apa.
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